


Turn on the light

by Ra_chelB



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Canon Death, Dealing With Loss, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, POV Female Character, Pregnancy, Veronica's POV, death mention, talking of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22213114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ra_chelB/pseuds/Ra_chelB
Summary: Johnica Week 2020 - Day 2: "John, I'm pregnant!" "Again?"1991. Veronica deals with the darkness that surrounds her home before and after Freddie's death, trying her best to help her husband. One day he asks her an important request that might bring some happiness to their lives once again.
Relationships: John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34
Collections: Johnica Week 2020





	Turn on the light

**Author's Note:**

> This whole fic comes from a random stream of consciousness, which is very rare from me... I hope it's not too messy and full of errors, otherwise let me know please!  
> I tried to use the first person, giving Veronica’s POV. “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

It felt like living under an eternal eclypse, something you know should end soon, but for some inexplicable reasons the darkness was always there, waiting for a wrong move to swallow you. Our home has never been so silent before, not even after fights and slammed doors, not even when we were on the other side of the globe and our empty house was left to the birds' chirping and the neighbours' noisy lawnmower.

No one really knew what to say, all of us knew that talking about it would've been even worse. Just small talks about school, homeworks, and some news seen on the tube.

It took months to see a small glimpse of light through the thick darkness, to begin talking again and try to think about something else. Planning some holidays, maybe far away in a place where the sun is always shining and your only thought is how clean is the water and what kind of castles you can do with the sand.

I would've gone anywhere in the world just to see him smiling again, even just a little. I would've given all of myself to know him thinking about life once again and not just about death. The death that was drenching our hearts with cold silence, the death he tried to flee running away with us, to not see him fading out in front of his eyes. The death that eventually came, inevitable.

I asked myself for month, years, what to do to help him, to make him feel better, even just for some moments.

_"Stay with me… just, stay here, please."_

Was one of the few things he could say, like a prayer, and so I did.

I'll never forget the moment he came home and dragged me in our bedroom, shut the door and fell into tears like a baby in my arms, crying desperately as he never did before.  
I got that something was terribly wrong, something dreadful was about to happen and he was trying to not fall into pieces, but he couldn't tell me. Not then.

And I've never asked about it, I knew he would've told me when he was ready, and so he did after few months. With an empty voice, staring at the cieling, he told me about Freddie's condition, how the singer wanted to go on with the music until the end, but John was so afraid, he just wanted to go away and not to think about it.

_"Is there a way I can help you?"_

_"Don't tell the kids, please… I shouldn't have told you as well, but… stay with me, Ronnie. Please."_

I felt like all our bickerings, our fights and contrasts weren't important anymore. He was asking for my help, more than ever, and I swore I'd have done everything I could to help him. He was terrified, trying to swim in an eternal night without moon, and I was the only rock he could grasp onto, to breathe and rest.

I thought it was the hardest part of my life, from that day 'til the day Freddie died, but I had no idea of _how hard_ it would've been later.

I've consumed my knees and every bead in my rosaries praying for Freddie's kind soul and for my husband's future, I've stayed with him, collecting his sobs in my hugs and drying all his tears, wondering for a real way to heal his heart.

After three months it seems like the waters calmed by themselves a bit, even if the roars of the storm were still in our ears.

We were home alone, as all the children were at school. It was a sunny winter day and I was taking care of the garden, trying to enjoy the warmth of the afternoon's sunlight, when John came outside and stood next to me, studying my movements.

"Ronnie?" He asked.

"Mmh?"

"I was… I was wondering… uhm-" he lit up a cigarette, his hands a bit shaky. I stopped my work and he sat next to me, on the cold grass. "Once you told me about… thinking of life, something like that…"

I looked at nothing, remembering of what I said.

"I believe it was something told by the reverend _… 'Pray for who's dead, but don't forget to live for who's living.'_ I hope it didn't offend you."

"No, no, actually I thought about it for a while and… I was thinking about h-having… having _another_ one."

"Another what?"

"A-another kid."

He stared directly into my eyes and I could see a small glimpse of hope hidden under all the sadness. A request, a prayer. It broke my heart to see him like this, asking me to have another child after almost nine years, just to find some happiness.

"Are you sure?" I had to ask him, even though he probably was hoping for me to jump at his neck and say 'yes' without hesitation.

He took another blow from his cigarette, looking away, and shut off the cig on the humid ground. No, he didn't expect that question.

"Shall we go inside?" I offered my hand and we both raised from the grass, stepping in our home. I prepared a tea and suggested to talk on the sofa, and he agreed.

"If you don't want it, just tell me…" he murmured while sitting next to me.

"I didn't say that. I was just thinking… it's been a while, the other kids are all grown up and l…" it wasn't easy to find the rights words.

"I want to know if you are sure to want it." I began, exposing my mind.  
"You'll have to help me, to stay with the baby and to be focused while being with him. Rob, Mike and Laura are old enough to take care of themselves, but I'm asking you to be present alongside with me to take care of our youngest ones. To be _present_ with your mind and your heart, not just your body." I sincerely hoped that my explanation was enough.

"It's exactly why I want it." He whispered and looked in my eyes once again, putting his hands on my shoulders to keep me closer.

"I'm tired of having my head and my heart filled with darkness, with negative feelings, I want… I want a new light in my life, something to take care of, someone that keeps me busy and brings me joy… something new…"

"...a new beginning." I added quietly.

"Yes, but I also want to be with _you_ , with my family, you- you're my steady point and I understood it too late. I've never been enough with all of you and now I feel like I can do it, I want to be a good dad, for real... but…" the words died in his throat and he lowered his head, hiding his face in his palms, but I perfectly got what he was trying to tell me. I understood.

I nodded and hugged him tightly, letting him calm down. If this was what he really needed to be happy once again, if this was what I should've done to see his smile again, then be it.

I kissed his greying temple and smiled at him. I wasn't that old yet, but maybe this could've been our last chance to give the family a new member and, to be honest, I was still hoping to have another baby girl.

"Honey?" I called him softly and he raised his head.

"I would do anything to see your beautiful smile once again. So yes, let's give it a try." I smiled at him and I felt my heart melting at the sight of a smile full of hope finally rising on his lips.

It was like a ray of sunshine timidly coming out at the end of the eternal eclipse we were living. He smiled widely and widely, throwing his arms around me and hugging me tightly. I believe he thanked me a thousands times that day, he appeared finally relieved after so long and I was so happy to see him like that.

Any other doubt I could've had about the baby, it was now blown away.

Of course we talked about it again, to plan everything carefully and reorganize our lives to have another little Deacon in our home.

Yet, John was still filled with sadness and fear as his two bandmates were organizing a concert for Freddie and he was sure he couldn't have played without him on stage. He had no idea on how to deal with it, they began rehearsing, but it was so damn difficult for him. Every evening he just ran away from the rehearsals to come home trying not to be seen in tears by others, sometimes not even saying goodbye.

And every night we made love, the promise of a new life softly glowing in our hearts, pushing the darkness out of the door even just for a couple of hours. It was different than other times, his touch was always soft and caring with me, but I could feel how desperate he was while searching for love. And I replied giving him all the love I was capable of, not just with sex, but with kisses, caresses and small caring gestures, reassuring and encouraging words. We were both broken, mutual cracks running in our hearts, but we were still glued together, trying to fill the cracks with gold as the Japanese do to create something new, beautiful and unique.

It didn't take long before I began to feel something changing in my body, a familiar sensation after such a long time.

I didn't really need to take a test to know I was finally expecting, I just knew it, but to make everyone sure I took it anyway, one day that John went early to rehearsals with the band and the children were at school. Robert was already living in his apartment near his school, but I invited him for dinner and to stay for the night.

It was almost dinner time and John got home, grim as always, and took a deep breathe after getting in and leaving the thought of the concert out the door. He didn't expect to see Rob at the dining table along with the siblings and I saw the corners of his mouth rising up a bit.

We ate all together, also trying to distract John from the concert, and after dinner I was ready to give the announcement.

"Everyone, may I have your attention?" I asked, standing at the table while all their eyes were focused at me. I saw that John was waiting just for that and he was literally trembling for the excitement.

"Dad and me have been trying to do this for a while, and finally it happened. It's meant to be a new beginning for our family, to bring us some joy after a long time." Our children shared a puzzled look, while I smiled directly at my husband.

"John, I'm pregnant!"

_"AGAIN?!"_ All our four children spoke as one, their shocked voices filling the kitchen.

But what they really didn't expect was to see their dad glowing up, smiling so widely and heartfeltedly that it left them all stunned for a moment as he raised from his chair and hugged me tightly.

They looked at each other in disbelief, while he slowly began laughing in my hair, kissing all over my face, and I joined his laugh.

Soon, we were all hugged together in our kitchen.

After a long time, our home was filled with joy and laughs once again, a ray of sunshine warming our hearts.


End file.
